tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2411253170651203836.post7811461512870665810..comments2023-09-12T09:33:43.919+01:00Comments on Behind The Child: "But I didn't know what to say."Tiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11360092874754466982noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2411253170651203836.post-71007494032362629102013-03-26T16:28:12.251+00:002013-03-26T16:28:12.251+00:00Thank you Tia, very timely advice, I heard yesterd...Thank you Tia, very timely advice, I heard yesterday that my cousin died of pneumonia, she was end stage M S. It was difficult as her husband did not respond to my request to see here when she was less ill, he seemed to be overprotective. Now I'll try and bear in mind what you have said should I get invited to the funeral<br />pippinsmumhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05480746966452608561noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2411253170651203836.post-39789967238437992062013-03-25T08:13:39.407+00:002013-03-25T08:13:39.407+00:00Think I'll be directing lots of people here. ...Think I'll be directing lots of people here. Nearly 2 years on and at times there is a lack of understanding that you're still learning to live with the loss and that filling your life is creating distractions not meaning 'you're over it'. You're never over it. I cannot see a time when I will not yearn for a touch, a smile, a cuddle, a smell, to know what should have happened next. The fact that we knew it was going to happen for years did not help one iota. Suggesting it would made me want to smack instead of meekly saying it hadn't helped. <br /><br />Thank you. And to the first commenter: we always know those that get it. You get it. I hope that you and the family find enough answers to give you peace. <br /><br />Kx<br /> Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2411253170651203836.post-73355788515360750182013-03-25T07:42:24.091+00:002013-03-25T07:42:24.091+00:00Wonderful.
Another thing not to say is "you&#...Wonderful.<br />Another thing not to say is "you're doing so well, I know I couldn't cope". The grief stricken parent can't cope either, but they're finding that they don't actually have much choice in the matter. Somehow each day they are still breathing in and out, whatever they wish to the contrary, and they have to live through each creeping, crawling, agonising second. If there was a can't cope opt out button, believe me, I'd have pressed it.<br />L xAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2411253170651203836.post-90030681121585026802013-03-24T22:43:32.630+00:002013-03-24T22:43:32.630+00:00Not at all offensive, unkind, or unfeeling. I'...Not at all offensive, unkind, or unfeeling. I'm so sorry -suicide is so hard for those who are left behind. I hope he is at peace now. Tiahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11360092874754466982noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2411253170651203836.post-90696915035633530952013-03-24T22:25:53.966+00:002013-03-24T22:25:53.966+00:00This is some of the best advice on this subject I&...This is some of the best advice on this subject I've ever read, particularly in tone. Most people who write on this get very judgmental or are too distant, because it is their job, or are just plain angry, which is unhelpful since most of this behaviour is not malicious. It comes from a desire to mourn, or make a connection, or to help out. <br /><br />A good friend and colleague of mine killed himself recently, and entirely unexpectedly. For many where we worked (a key part of his life), and in the absence of his family, I was the focus of a lot of this stuff. (Btw, just in case anyone feels compelled to leap in, I'm not in any way trying to compare my grief, loss or shock with that of my friend's family, or indeed trying to compare it to the loss of a child or a family member. But I did, and do, mourn for him - I miss him - and imagine that I will do so for some time).<br /><br />I just found it telling that so many of the things you mentioned cropped up: the people who get annoyed because you're not accepting their help as you deal with the aftermath of his death (even though that help is not helpful to you) because it must mean that you are Not Coping (whatever that means); the people who want to have what to you is the same conversation for the umpteenth time so that they can bring meaning to something inexplicable and maybe seek mutual comfort, even though that exhausts some of your dwindling stock of emotional energy which still has to last out the day, never mind the week; the ones who dislike what the family wants to do (their choice, not ours); the ones who tell you what to do (so annoying) or who want to take over (albeit out of the best motives), instead of just doing something in a non-undermining way. <br /><br />I would love to think that this experience will mean that I will do better at this the next time that someone I care for dies, but I'm sure I won't. (It's odd, isn't it, that when all you want to do is show you care for the ones who live, and indeed cared for the one who's dead, and to offer some help (paltry though it is), what you are most afraid of is doing the wrong thing) So I shall come back to this page then, try to think on what you've said and do better. Thank you.<br /><br />PS I do hope that no one finds this comment offensive, unkind or unfeeling. That was not my intention.mq, cbnoreply@blogger.com