Don't look back in anger

Horrible news here and a horrible few days. Goldilocks has had an awful accident in her care home and is now in intensive care, critically ill. Due to the nature of her injury she is not in our local hospital but in a specialist unit a long way away. The unit does not allow children to visit, so unless I can find carers for Mog and the Little Fish I am unable to visit her. Thankfully I do have care in place to go and see her for the next few days and we will see what happens after that.

This was an accident. It was a horrific accident, I know everyone who knows the details is shocked and sickened by it. But, it was a genuine accident. Everyone involved is devastated, and investigations are going on to find out exactly how it happened and more importantly, how to be sure it never happens again.

My post is about people's reactions. I have been overwhelmed by the love and support I have received over the past couple of days and when Goldilocks is able to receive cuddles again then I will pass them all on to her. But I'm posting to ask people to stop bringing me their anger. I am not angry about what happened here - I'm desolated by it but I am not angry about it. Please, I cannot carry your anger whilst I am carrying everything else for Goldilocks and trying to juggle being here with the little ones and spending time with Goldy too.

Anger isn't helpful in this situation. It doesn't change what has happened, it can't turn back the clock, it can't undo the past. What it does do is take energy, and I need all that energy for the days ahead. Finding someone to blame isn't helpful either - yes, there were specific people on duty at the time and perhaps you'd like to blame them? Or perhaps you'd like to involve the people who trained them? Or who recruited them? Why stop there - if you are going to start the blame game then why not blame the people who commissioned the place, or how about blaming me for deciding to entrust her to their care? I can't cope with your anger at this situation.

As a side note, I know that you are all upset and I know how much you love Goldilocks. It has been wonderful to see the outpourings of love, I am so touched. But again, I am going to ask, please don't phone me just to tell me how upset you are. You cannot possibly be more upset than I am, and I cannot comfort you. At the moment the phone is ringing off the hook all day long, sometimes it's the hospital, sometimes it's other professionals, other times it's friends and family. Thank you for phoning, it means a lot to me that you do care. But please, don't ask me the why, how, who, questions. Don't phone me and weep at me. It may sound selfish, but if I am not actually at the hospital (or on my way to the hospital) then I am trying to bring some semblance of normality back to the little ones. I can't do that with people weeping or ranting at me down the phone.

Please, don't worry about me - or don't worry about me to me. Please do pray for us all, pray that I will manage to rest when I have the opportunity, drive safely, and juggle everything that needs to be juggled. As well as obviously praying for healing for Goldy. For those who are concerned - yes, I am eating and drinking and sleeping. Yes, I am hugely stressed. I promise you, if I need to cry on your shoulder I will ring you and do just that. If I haven't called you to cry with you it is because someone else is supporting me in that way. I do appreciate all your concerns but if I don't want to "go there" during a phonecall with you it is probably because I have just done that with someone else. The little ones need me to be reasonably functional, at least part of the time - you could pray for them too, giving thanks for the carers who can come in and praying that they will feel happy and safe with them. These are carers who are well-known to us, but they will be with the girls for a lot longer than usual, I'm praying that it is not too much of a change for the girls.

Goldilocks is going to be in hospital for a long time. Healing is going to be a long, slow, process. And that's the best possible outcome and the one we are praying for. When I explain that it is going to be long and slow please don't try to comfort me by reassuring me that it will be fast and painless. It won't be and it can't be. Frankly, the alternative to a long slow healing process is death, and I'm not ready to pray for that yet. She is seriously unwell, she is not stable and won't be for some time.

I know that she is in God's hands and she could not possibly be in a safer place. No, I don't know why or how this accident was allowed to happen, but I do know that for every bit of pain she is suffering and for every tear that we are shedding on her behalf, God is sitting there beside her and has felt it all and has wept it all with us.

Thank you for your love and your support and your prayers.
Tia