Saturday, 1 September 2007

The Long Goodnight.

Today I watched my daughter die. I held her hand, stroked her hair, told her that she was tired and needed to sleep and she should let us do the work and have the worry. I prayed over her with her other family and watched as she just drifted away.

I was with her from the previous morning and I was with her during the day when she appeared to be getting slightly better and I was with her in the evening when it became clear she was exhausted and couldn't do any more and I was with her when she finally went. I held her hand and could feel the exact moment when her body had had enough and stopped trying to heal. I slept for a couple of hours when she was temporarily stable ish (or at least when she was no longer responding but was not going to die for at least another couple of hours), and then I came back and stood by her head and stroked her hair and somehow sang to her and told her to sleep well.

My daughter is dead. Everything I do, say, think, feel, is interrupted by that. It makes no sense - my daughter is dead. How can there be a world that doesn't know her, how can she not be here? How can I still need to eat and drink and move when she doesn't and how can she not?

My daughter is dead.

2 comments:

Tina and David said...

Oh Tia how much we love you!

still, knowing Your daughter, as wonderful as she was here on earth is now made perfect in Jesus and remains,

SAFE IN THE ARMS OF JeSuS

We pray you know you are too!
GOd undertands your heavy heart and your empty arms.
Here for whatever you need of us!
Much love
Tina

Trina said...

(((Tia))) Saying over and over again that "I'm so sorry" seems so inadequate.

But truly I am and I only wish I could be there...Be with you during this time. So many miles between us yet I feel so connected as over the years I've grown to know and love both you and the girls.

Who would have thought such a warm friendship could have formed through nothing more than what we each view through this screen?

L. was truly a beautiful spirit. I have so many memories just from the stories you have shared with me.

My fondest memory and one I always speak of was L's. ability to completely clear a pool as she would loudly proclaim the pool to be infested with "SHARKS"!!!

I can just see the little sparkle of rotteness in her eye as she watches all the little ones shriek and scramble for safety leaving the pool completely empty for her own private session. Ah yes she was a girl with a mission! Who wouldn't want the whole place to themselves?? :0)

From the moment I learned of L's. passing I've felt your pain....I've weeped for L. and for you. I'm so thankful you were able to be with her till the end. She loved you so much and I know she was comforted by your presence.

I'm humbled by your compassion for all those involved. Your love and forgiving spirit is a shining example of Christ in your life and only confirms even more to me of the beautiful person behind this screen.

In Romans 12 the bible tells us as christian believers that we are to be devoted to one another, prefer one another in love, contribute to the needs of one another, rejoice with one another and yes weep with one another.

I truly feel your anguish and pain and only wish I could do more to comfort you.

Please know I'm here and always will be. Hold tight to our heavenly father as you rest in his loving arms. Continue looking upward for one day we all WILL be together again.

All our love,
Trina and Jophie

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