Dear keyboard. I know the Little Princess spilt a yoghurty squidge all over you and then tried to clean you with a cup of water. I realise this wasn`t the wisest plan. But most of you recovered. Could you please, please, consider giving me back the delete key and apostrophe? I really do use them quite a bit...
Dear random visitors to my house. Kindly stop putting my butter back in the fridge. It is my house, my butter, I like it soft. Thank you.
Dear carers. Once again, may I remind you that the toilet seat is not a suitable spot to dump Mog`s feed pump. Not even if the lid is down, not even if the feed has finished. It is however a more suitable spot to dump a soiled pad, if you are having difficulty reaching the pad bin.
Dear builders. Thank you. It is a truly beautiful bathroom, and I love it. It would however have been even more beautiful - and slightly more easily usable - if you had listened to my concerns about whether the shower bench would fit over the newly boxed in pipes, and how there was a reason why the shower head had been installed on the other wall in the past.
Dear Tesco. Thank you for your ridiculously cheap school uniforms. But I ordered six, not five. And I did in fact expect all of them to come with the correct number of buttons, all fastened to the dresses in the correct spots.
Dear `young men in hoodies, one grey, one purple` who have now stolen my milk once and my side orders three mornings in a row (as witnessed by my neighbour). I hope you actually need the milk. I realise you didn`t like the Hot Cross Buns, but sticking a hole in them then scattering them around the car park was just annoying. We actually have plenty of milk at the moment, so if you must steal something tomorrow morning, could you please take the milk and leave the cranberry juice? My daughter actually needs that for medical reasons, and I am pretty sure her need is greater than yours.
Dear life. Could you slow down a little please, and not throw anything more at the Little Princess just yet? She has had about as much as she can take, and we really do not need any more wobbles.
Dear LP. I know, I KNOW! You have told me 6542765 times now, most of that in the last three hours. Which is particularly irritating, as you begged to go to bed from around four o`clock. Please, settle.
Dear Mog. Yes, we all love your tiara. Shame it actually belongs to another child in your class though. We will send it back in on Tuesday.
Dear Wills and Kate. Wishing you all the best in your years ahead, but, well, should you decide to repeat the process at any time, could you consider celebrating by giving children an extra day in school, not by taking them out when we have only just got them back in again?
Dear K. Chocolate and Almond Torte.
Grease and line a 9 inch loose bottomed cake tin. Melt 8 oz dark choc (or, in my case, 6 oz dark chocolate and 2 oz leftover mini Easter eggs) with 3 tbsp water over low heat. Add 5 1/2 oz soft brown sugar and stir until dissolved. Remove from heat. Stir in 6 oz butter a little at a time until all mixed in. Add 1 oz almonds and 3 tbsp self-raising flour. Separate 5 eggs. Add the yolks one at a time and beat until absorbed. Whisk egg whites into soft peaks. Fold into chocolate mixture with metal spoon. Add 3 1/5 oz finely chopped blanched almonds (or, in my case, another 3 oz ground almonds). Stir.
Pour into cake pan and bake for 40-45 mins at 180 degrees C until well risen and slightly cracked on the top. Leave to cool in pan for 30-40 minutes. Recipe says to turn it out after that but I chickened out. Yum.
Dear C. Take one lump of pizza dough and spread it onto a tray. thin covering of oil. Mozarella over that, then asparagus (shaved into ribbons using potato peeler). Black pepper, then boursin. Bake at 220C for 15-20 mins. Also yum - and was serving one just as your text came through. Original recipe over at the Pioneer Woman`s Tasty Kitchen Blog.
Dear Bath. It has been far too long since the builders removed your predecessor. I have missed you.