Monday, 30 November 2009

Two years on

We buried my Goldie two years ago today.

The collage I made for her funeral is still hanging on its temporary nail in our hallway; I should probably either decide that's really where it needs to be and hang it properly, or else decide what else to do with it and do it. I think it needs to stay really; it holds so many memories.

I can still hear her, you know. Shopping sometimes, I am sure she's squealing in the next aisle and then I remember she can't be. I dreamed the other night we were all running dreadfully late for something (not a rare occurence), and that we'd forgotten to pick her up. Things were getting impossibly tangled, and we were getting further and further away from collecting her. And then I woke up, and realised we weren't late for the appointment at all, and I still had plenty of time to call her carers and arrange things. And then I picked up the telephone and scrolled down to her number, and then I realised I didn't need to make that phone call after all...

Her phone number is still in my telephone. I thought I'd lose it when I switched phones, but somehow it travelled on the SIM card and is still there. How do you delete it? How do you not?

Today the Health and Safety Executive officer who investigated the circumstances surrounding Goldie's death phoned me with a date for the final part of the investigation. It'll be two and a half years since the accident, and the very last official part of her story.

It might be time to take down the order of service from its resting point on the kitchen window sill. Then again...

I wish, I wish Little Fish had had more time to get to know her biggest sister. I wish I had a decent photograph of all three girls together. I wish so many things about her last few months. Do I wish I'd known? An impossible question; if I'd known we would have so little time I'd not have agreed to her moving out; if she hadn't moved out she wouldn't have had the accident and so then she'd still be here.

Doesn't matter what I wish though; she did move out; I pushed hard for her move for so many reasons, and then she died. And then we all sat around and waited, and waited, and eventually we were allowed to have a funeral and then we buried her.

And in the three months between her death and her funeral I sat and hoped that having the funeral might help bring some kind of relief. And it did, sort of, but the pain and loss and separation was of course still there. And then I hoped the inquest might help. And then I hoped the court case might feel like some kind of an ending. And now this last piece of the official process, and I can't imagine that'll change things either.

It isn't all doom and gloom. I can't imagine Goldie being terribly happy amongst doom and gloom. In fact I know she'd have hated that; she didn't like people being upset around her, it frightened her. And I can't imagine her sitting quietly whilst people talked of her in hushed voices; she'd get the giggles and squeak, and shout out lines from her favourite stories.

Echoes in my mind - "That was absoLUTEly perfect, and Baby Beer SQUEAKED...Time to go home, come on, AMEN!"

I hope she's having fun today.


Sara x said...

Knowing Goldie, she is having the most fun, getting my Livvy into mischief im sure. I havent a clue how we are supposed to be feeling its nearly been a year since we laid LIvvy to rest so i'm going through the same motions.

Having only recently come to Jesus, i am finding so much comfort in the fact that he holds my daughter close to him as he holds Goldie to. But while i find comfort i dont find freedom from the pain of missing her. That people say comes with time. Time to me is something which seperates us, but one day we will hold our girls again. I do wonder if Lord Jesus will have a large list of the things they have been up to while they have been apart from us. As for the collage leave it there, thats where its meant to be of that i am sure. Hugs and prayers xx

sarah bess said...

Love to you, Tia. I'm sorry...

HennHouse said...

So beautifully written... Remembering you in prayer today.

Anonymous said...

Oh the memories and questions we have about our kids who have gone on before us. Memories we wouldn't give up--but sometimes they hurt. And the questions--we know it doesn't do any good to ask them--but they are still there--and how would the ending be if we would have made different choices--
I understand --I too would have done things differently for Carlos if I'd have known--but that's when I have to hold on tightly to the knot that is tied in my faith rope (figurativly)-- and trust God's soverignity.
But I can't imagine having too wait so long for the funeral--that had to have made it harder and rougher to handle.
Thanks for being so open and sharing your thoughts and feelings so well.

Tina said...

We sang a Hymn on Sunday that had 9 verses, Christina and I giggled that Goldie would have been shouting Amen now by verse5. Grief and memories and loss are all so mixed up. Sending so much love. And the spot in the hall would be barr without the montage. My only fear for the order of Service would be it might get dirtied where it is. Mine sits as a book mark in psalm 139. Hugs

Anonymous said...

I was almost watching a slideshow of Goldie pitures / scenes as I read thatAnd not one image was miserable.
I never realised the collage was in a temporary place - it looks right just where it is.
K xx

Doorless said...

I still have the montage of Amber's life in her room. I can't bear to get rid of it. I am beginning to think it doesn't get easier. This is was Ambers favorite time of year! She made Christmas fun!
My heart goes out to you. I know waiting months to have the funeral was terribly hard. Then on top of it all to not be able to talk out what happened also put more of a strain on things. I think we all deal with the what if's. For me it was is what if I had called rescue earlier? I have been assured that it would not have made a difference. Her last memories were of being in her crib that she loved and felt secure in in the room she shared with her beloved little sister.
I was so hoping to have the distraction that comes with a new child this year!
I will keep you in prayer.

Anonymous said...

Tia it was part of a Bigger Plan.
There was a purpose behind the suffering and one day you will find it.As an example,I was blase about the hot water running in the bath.Because of Goldie`s tragic accident,my son will not be scalded because I am so careful now.How many other lives/accidents has she saved?Thinking of you-you are a wonderful and loving person who made Goldie HAPPY.


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