I love this life of mine. I love the girls, I love our optional extras, I love the fact that I get to stay at home and cuddle my girls and sometimes make it better and other times comfort them for the things I can't make better. I love watching Little Fish learn things and it delights me when she show's me today's new skills. I love seeing how Mog draws people in and then kicks them in the kneecaps when they don't notice her new shoes fast enough. I love being able to meet friends for lunch and laugh about the things we'd quite possibly be crying about if we were alone. I love the fact that I have friends who will calmly remove the disgustingly coated clothing from under the buggy and sponge it off without even wincing first rather than run screaming from the room at the mere thought of it.
I love the fact that my whistle makes Mog smile, that the Wahooligan will snuggle in when I sing a song, that Little Fish still thinks her bottom sings to her. I love the fact that this life has allowed me to return to live in the town where I grew up, and that I can never walk through town without meeting someone I know to talk to.
But there are times when I really hate all this. And it isn't the times people might thing. Watching Mog fit is horrible, yes, but that isn't it. Dealing with the various poo rivers and poo mountains isn't especially pleasant, but I can live with that too. Helping Little Fish come to terms with the fact that she really can't walk however much she wants to is hard, but it doesn't make me want to walk away from it all. Even the endless paperwork I'm so far behind on isn't what I hate.
I hate feeling powerless. I hate the fact that today a friend phoned, hugely distressed, and I couldn't just get up and go to her. I hate the fact that it is always down to other people to come to me, and in this instance it just isn't possible. I hate that when my daughter died, this friend cancelled work and dropped everything to run to me, and yet I can't return the favour.
I love the fact that I have friends across this country and around this world, and I hate the fact that when another friend has a crisis I can do nothing except sit and pray about it. How can it be possible to be so close to someone living 3000 miles away, and yet be so far from someone living just 20 miles down the road?