Thursday, 30 April 2009

The downsides to this life

I love this life of mine. I love the girls, I love our optional extras, I love the fact that I get to stay at home and cuddle my girls and sometimes make it better and other times comfort them for the things I can't make better. I love watching Little Fish learn things and it delights me when she show's me today's new skills. I love seeing how Mog draws people in and then kicks them in the kneecaps when they don't notice her new shoes fast enough. I love being able to meet friends for lunch and laugh about the things we'd quite possibly be crying about if we were alone. I love the fact that I have friends who will calmly remove the disgustingly coated clothing from under the buggy and sponge it off without even wincing first rather than run screaming from the room at the mere thought of it.

I love the fact that my whistle makes Mog smile, that the Wahooligan will snuggle in when I sing a song, that Little Fish still thinks her bottom sings to her. I love the fact that this life has allowed me to return to live in the town where I grew up, and that I can never walk through town without meeting someone I know to talk to.

But there are times when I really hate all this. And it isn't the times people might thing. Watching Mog fit is horrible, yes, but that isn't it. Dealing with the various poo rivers and poo mountains isn't especially pleasant, but I can live with that too. Helping Little Fish come to terms with the fact that she really can't walk however much she wants to is hard, but it doesn't make me want to walk away from it all. Even the endless paperwork I'm so far behind on isn't what I hate.

I hate feeling powerless. I hate the fact that today a friend phoned, hugely distressed, and I couldn't just get up and go to her. I hate the fact that it is always down to other people to come to me, and in this instance it just isn't possible. I hate that when my daughter died, this friend cancelled work and dropped everything to run to me, and yet I can't return the favour.

I love the fact that I have friends across this country and around this world, and I hate the fact that when another friend has a crisis I can do nothing except sit and pray about it. How can it be possible to be so close to someone living 3000 miles away, and yet be so far from someone living just 20 miles down the road?



Tina said...

The only fitting comment to that is Amen!
So so know what you mean.
love hugs and a thousand thankyous for the prayers you offer so frequently for us. Prayer is ALL not all we can do!

Trina said...

OH gosh girlie I do understand....Drives me insane at times...I could name a thousand or more instances when I was needed but yet could not go and yet just like you on my doorstep they run within a breath of my call.....

Prayer is an awful powerful too though and really nothing to be sneezed at :0)

There is such great power in the praying woman so never underestimate how grateful/thankful I am for every single one you drop at the feet of Jesus. For every time you pound on heavens gate. For every single time you approach the thrown on our behalf.

I am grateful. I am thankful and if we were closer yet unable to comfort one another physically it would still be enough......

Trina and Jophie

Doorless said...

Amen! I could not have said it better.
My mother has had a stroke and many TIA's daily and currently in a Rehab facility. She is so far away I cannot just go and see her. There is not much I can do about it. I hate taht I am torn right now because my sibs are not getting alone and each cannot throw down the gauntlet and just concentrate on what mom would want! I hate that meds have been late all week as my sibs have been calling for support and I have been trying to put out fires.
I love what I am doing with these dear children and never thought it a sacrafice until now. I hate that Selina is in CA and lives in a heavily populated mexican-American Community with many illegals and all I can do is pray protection over her during this Swine flu pandemic!
I am grateful for all my dear on line friends who listen and pray. It is wonderful to know like minded women who see value in our special children. Thank you for being you and for praying.

sarah bess said...

Amy Carmichael quoted a Tamil proverb in one of her books: "Children tie the feet of the mother." I feel that way about both sets of my children, but then again, it's really all I've ever wanted. But each set ties one foot so that I can't be all to either. And now my hubby's wanting us to have another baby, and I would have been excited about that a few years ago, but now find myself thinking, "How? There will go all the freedom to travel and help these other kiddos."
Then again generally speaking,sometimes it's nice not to HAVE to be the one to respond to every outside crisis.

Anonymous said...

I have been there. {{}} to you.


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