Saturday, 11 July 2009

Two years ago

Two years ago this week my Goldie moved out of our house and into her own, the first young adult to move into what would become a shared Supported Living house. Not a Group Home, but her own home, her own tenancy with her own staff to support her. Better than a Group Home, we were told - and still believe - more freedom, fewer regulations, and better funding leaving more money for holidays and general life enhancers rather than just the basics.

Two years ago this week, Little Fish and Mog and I were spending all day every day giving Goldie's new carers a crash course in Goldie. Goldie herself was wildly excited by all the attention, a little overwhelmed by the huge change in her routine, and totally lacking in understanding about the permenancy of the arrangement.

A brand new house with keen new staff, lots of kinks to work out but masses of enthusiasm to do so.

Somehow, just six weeks later, the unthinkable happened and my beautiful Goldie had her hideous accident. Two years later, I believe we now know as much as we ever will about the how and the what and the where and the when. And the why is something we'll never know. I'd like to tell her story. But still the legal process rumbles on; inquest over half a year ago and now the prospect of a criminal court case later on this year. And still the need to keep events fresh, to preserve my account to produce in court when needed.

I have no interest in this court case. My daughter died. I miss her. I chose to move her into her new home - or at least I chose to move her out of my home. I'm still reasonably sure it was the right decision. But the fact remains, if I had not, if she had stayed with me, she would probably still be alive today. My part in her death doesn't call for Legal proceedings to be taken against me; how can I be involved in prosecuting others who may have paid a part? And whether or not I play a part in this, once this is all over, she's still dead. So what's the point?



Tina said...

Tia I am so sorry your wounds are being opened so raw again and again. So many things remind us of Goldie, and we are so fortunate that we only have good memories to look back on. Aside from those days of messaging in that last week. I hope and pray that soon you wil be allowed to put those horrid memories away and smother them somewhat with the wonderful memories and the knowledge that your part on Goldies Care was always in love and commitment to her.
With all our love

PMDPeter said...

You know in your heart that you made the right decision in letting Goldie go. It was giving her that independance that you had strived to give her by all your actions in the years that led up to that point.
You cant beat yourself up over what happened, and what might have happened if you didn't let her go. It was a tragedy that shouldn't have happened, but it did.
I know you want to put the events behind you and get on with life (even though you will never forget it or her) but unfortunately whatever you say or do, the decision to take any court action is out of your hands and you have to comply with whatever they ask.
I just hope that they can finish the process as quickly as possible.
Take care

Anonymous said...

My heart goes out to you,as the wonderful caring mother you are.
However if by giving evidence this is prevented from happening to anyone else her death would not be in vain.

Doorless said...

I totally know how you feel. You did what you thought best for dear Goldie. This is not your fault in any way.
To not be able to talk about it and unload your grief totally has made this so very much harder.
It has been two years for Amber and I decided to sure the doctor only wouls have kept the wounds open and raw. I still have my days. She was so vital as was Goldie. They were such free spirits. Now they are truly free.
What hurts most is this happened to our girls because of someone else not doing the right thing.
I wish I could be there to give you a hug but I can pray for peace for you.

mommytoalot said...

So sorry you are going through this.
in my thoughts and prayers

Anonymous said...

My prayers and thoughts are with you. When I think of Goldie, I just see that wonderful smile, hear her sing the 'rainbow' song and remember the joy in her life that you and your family brought to her. What happened was NOT your fault.


Trina and Jophie said...

Ah well my friend you know deep down you did exactly what you felt was best for little Ms. "SHARK" :0)

I do pray they just close this up in a very tight box and toss away the key...SOON

Trina and Jophie

Sara x said...

Tia, you gave Goldie the chance to live a life of an adult. Independant and all grown up a great gift. What happened after is so tragic but please there is no blame to be cast your way.

I have so many questions regarding Livvy's death, i should have known, im her mom. Plenty of what ifs. Life is sometimes just so cruel.

I know you miss her but take comfort that she is with God and perfectly happy, healthy and safe until you meet again. xxxx


Blog Widget by LinkWithin