Muggle Baiting

Someone has been indulging in a spot of muggle baiting.

No biting doorknobs and thankfully the toilet is behaving itself. My keys on the other hand...

My keys are not:

On the table in the hall.
In the hanging pockets in the hall.
In any of my pockets, in any of my clothes.
On the bathroom windowsill.
In the bath.
On the kitchen windowsill.
On the work surface.
In the fridge (stranger things have happened).
By the cat litter or next to the cat food.
In Little Fish's bed.
In the syringe drawers (which exert a strange fascination on Little Fish) in Mog's bedroom.
In Mog's wardrobe.
In my handbag.
In my purse.
In the bus.
Down the back of the settee or any of the arm chairs.
On the floor in the sitting room.
On the floor anywhere else.
In the bookcase.
On any shelves.
On top of the piano.
In the piano.
Behind the piano.
On the television.
Inside the video player.
On the kitchen table.
Under the kitchen table.
In the fish tank.
In the garden.
In the cooker.
In either of the girls' school bags.
Hanging off either girl's wheelchair.
In the drugs cupboard.
In the bathroom cabinet.
In the cloakroom.

We had plans today, plans involving leaving the house (difficult when you can't get back into it again), plans involving driving the bus (tricky when you can't open the door or turn the ignition. I last saw my keys on Saturday. Last night I used my spare keys. These have now also disappeared.

I want my keys!

Little Fish meanwhile has no idea why this might be a problem. She realises I have lost them, and her idea of help and support is to ask, approximately every 47 seconds, "got them now?" Argh.

Indulging in her own spot of mother baiting, I had the following conversation with Little Fish in the five minutes we did escape the house leaving the cats on guard. We are walking past a long line of parked cars.

LF "that green one"
Me "no, that's red"
LF "that green one"
Me "nope, that's blue"
LF "that green one"
Me "that's white"
LF "that green one?"
Me "that's white too"
LF "that green one"
Me "that's grey"
LF "that green one?"
Me "that's red"
LF "that green one?"
Me "that's black"
LF "that green one?"
Me "that's black too"
LF "that green one"
Me "that's red"
LF "that green one"
Me "that's blue"
LF "that blue one?"
Me "no, that's GREEN",

Bring me a wall please my head needs banging.
Tia