"Die NOW!" she squeaks as I turn the engine on. I know I'm not the best driver, but it strikes me as a little previous, until I realise she actually means "Drive now, please kind Mama."
"I want Mamma Mia". I fetch Mamma Mia. "No no not that Mamma Mia, Banana Mamma Mia". Ah, Balamory.
Today we sat at a table in a cafe. At the next table, by sheer coincidence, was a child who used to be Little Fish's sibling. Neither had any idea who the other was, and to keep it simple, we didn't introduce them to each other. It made me wonder about how differently their lives might have turned out if we had made different decisions. Only with adoption do you get to decide that you want to parent, not just any child, but that specific child. Of course, that doesn't mean you get to know exactly how the child will turn out, it doesn't give you any kind of happy ever after guarantee, but it does change lives, forever, with a permanency which is not there with fostering.
Watching this other child, I had several different visions of how our lives could be so different. I imagined the two of them, growing together as siblings in someone else's care. The two of them, growing together, under my care - unlikely that one; I can't imagine I would ever have been approved for the two of them. Or perhaps a swap, my Little Fish belonging elsewhere, and this child, so strange and yet so familiar, belonging to me. Would LF be who she is now if she'd lived elsewhere this past two years? Would she be herself? Would this other child have the quirks and foibles there displayed (nothing negative incidentally; I am simply avoiding specifics as this other life is not my story to tell) if I had been the parent? What if someone entirely different had been chosen? Would Little Fish be Little Fish at all?
And now I'm being called away by the girl herself, "Mummy, I'd like a dodgy biscuit please?" Oh, digestive biscuit? "Yes, and some cake, and a piece of bread and some ham. Is that a good idea, Mummy? Let's do that shall we?"
I'm definitely not interested in doing a swap.